Captive Ape

Fiction

A - Z of Love and Seduction

By Steve Higgs

A is for Animals
Never seduce an animal, not even as a drunken bet right Odoni?

B is for Birds and Bees
Traditionally only bees and birds could ever get married, but today it is becoming increasingly common for birds and birds to get married, or even bees and bees. In some religions a single bee can marry up to 800 birds at a time.

C is for Chat Up Lines
There really is no bad chat up line, unless you count shouting "Fuck me I'm an international terrorist" at a policeman as a chat up line.

D is for Diseases
Sure, they're funny until they happen to you. I assume.

E is for Emotions
Please note that 'horn' is not, strictly speaking an emotion.

F is for Five Fingered Shuffle
When all else fails…

G is for Gifts
Most women expect to be lavished with gifts in a relationship, but tangible rewards, or 'gifts' in exchange for romantic or sexual connection is called prostitution. This makes women who accept gifts in a relationship whores. This is why it would be nothing but an insult to buy your girlfriend a gift.

H is for Humour
Apparently all women respond to a man with a sense of humour. In my experience this is true. You can't deny that kicking me in the balls is a response.

I is for Internet
The Internet is the spawning ground for all kinds of sexual deviancy and hot 'pig on pig action'. You can find pictures of just about ANYTHING. No matter how badly wrong it is.

J is for Japan
Some people in Japan are either in love or being seduced right now.

K is for 'K - I - S - S - I - N- G'
You and someone else, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g..

L is for Love
First comes love…

M is for Marriage
Then come marriage…

N is for Noisy Arguments
Then comes the noisy arguments and knife fights.

O is for Orange
If love were a colour, it would be orange. Try and argue with me. I dare you.

P is for Pity
Never underestimate the power of pity when it comes to attraction.

Q is for Quack
Quack is the sound a duck makes, when it is either being seduced or in love.
R is for Romance!
Romance! is an anagram of "No Mr Ace!" I'm not quite sure what that is supposed to mean, but it's obviously some kind of secret message, possibly telling us that "Mr Ace" is a serial rapist. I intend to dedicate my life to capturing him and unlocking his terrifying secret.

S is for Sexual Intercourse
I'm sure you know more about this than me. Maybe YOU should write an A - Z about it instead.

T is for Thatcher
Somebody actually seduced Margaret Thatcher!

U is for Ulcers
See 'D'

V is for Verse
Roses are red
Violets are grey
Verse is a good way
To get yourself laid.

W is for "We need to talk"
We need to talk usually really means "After this we never need to talk again" If you ever hear this, and you don't want to break up, the only solution is to have your partners jaw wired shut

X is for Xylophones
If 'music be the food of love', then I've found a way to fill X. Excellent.

Y is for Yellow
If love were a colour it would be yellow.
I know.
I know.
I'm sorry.

Z is for Zed
Zed was the sex criminal in pulp fiction. He "Forcefully Seduced" that big black dude.