CELEBRITY BIOGRAPHIES -
ALBERT EINSTEINby Steve Higgs
It was Albert Einstein who said, just hours before his death "Bestiality is best, boys - Bestiality is best". He is irrefutably one of the greatest minds of the twentieth century, but he will also almost certainly go down as one of history's most detestable racists.Born in 1911 into a family of German Jewish Gypsies, there is very little detail known about Albert's early life, but from the little information that is available historians have speculated that not unlike certain species of mole, Albert was born underground, completely hairless and blind relying only on a diet of worms provided by his mother. When Albert finally managed to navigate himself to the surface at age 10, he suddenly and inexplicably became a genius. It is during this period in his life that the young Albert began touring Bavaria with his fathers fair. Life on the road suited Albert, giving him opportunity to develop his skills of being able to steal then lie to his social betters with relative impunity.
Albert's happy start in life couldn't last forever however and the time soon came for him to leave home. On his thirteenth birthday Albert's father got drunk, decided to disrobe his young son and dump him in the middle of Germany's Black Forest. After eating a number of the indigenous mushrooms, Albert spent a time living under a bridge during which time he clubbed to death several bears mistakenly believing that they were rival trolls aiming to 'invade his realm'. After numerous years living this existence, a kindly but bearded fat man found Albert, kidnapped him and used him in his 'Freak Parade'.
As times and fashions rolled on in Germany, slowly the parade began to lose popularity, until one day it was loosing too much money to be able to continue. The fat man had to release his freaks back into the world, and, as a gentleman of the time, he did the most honourable thing he could do. He tied them up into a sack and dumped them in the middle of the Munich.
As a stranger in the big city without any skills or the ability to speak, apart from in his own specially developed Troll language, Albert nearly starved to death. Slowly he began to re-articulate himself by listening to the drunken rantings of the homeless and mentally ill, until eventually he could speak 'fluently' again. With this hurdle successfully jumped, there was still the problem of his intense poverty.
Luckily for him he discovered a way to be both racist and make money. Albert was a master of oration, and as such was able to use his silver tongue to express his controversial Anti-Semitic views. For months Albert drew crowds of thousands to hear his message until one day it was pointed out that he was actually a Jew himself. After this Albert claimed to have just been joking about his policies. Unfortunately, his book, 'Mein Kampf' fell into the hands of one Adolf Hitler who, took the writings to heart, and made the philosophy live on.
After leaving the German fascist party and turning down the throne of Luxembourg, at the age of 20 Albert got the job of clerk in a patent office, where he spent most of his time stealing the ideas of the other inventors and claiming them as his own. This provided him with a healthy living, and along with selling his plans for the atomic bomb to the Arabs. Unfortunately, in 1934 Albert was caught stealing the patent for a device to automatically housetrain monkeys. Albert was fired from his cushy job and forced to find other employment. This would prove to be a blessing in disguise for Albert, who without this set back would possibly never have found his true calling.
After moving to America Albert had several brief attempts at finding his perfect job. He found that the country that many people rightly called 'The Land of opportunity' was also the country many more people; far more accurately called 'The Hole of Turds'. After a brief stint as a male stripper, a boxer, a box maker and a dance instructor he finally found a way to carve his name deep into the flesh of history.
His idea was, putting together strings of letters in equation form, selling them to the local university, safe in the knowledge that no one would ever be able to prove him wrong or right.
Most famously of all, the ingenious E=MC2, was first explained in Einstein's own words as:
"Every Equation equals More Cash 2… Me! Ha! Can you believe I'm getting paid for this rubbish!"
Having found everything in life Albert could possibly wish for; easy money and people who'd believe anything he said, Albert died at the ripe old age of 800 in 1974 due to tragic circumstances which left him to drown in raw sewage.
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3.15.2002