Captive Ape

Fiction

John's Diary

by Steve Higgs

It's a little known 'fact' that John Lennon kept a secret diary throughout most of his life. We'll start with an extract from his schoolboy days…

January 12 1949
Mummy had to go see my teecher at skool tooday coz I wee weed my pants in class again. It's not my fault, if the other boys stopped bullying me, I wouldn't do it.

January 15th 1949
Mummy said that I should punch the bullys back and stand up for myself, so they won't pick on me anymore. She says they only do it because I'm better than them at everything. I'm going to teach them not to pick on me.

January 19th 1949
Found my last missing tooth!

UNRECORDED ERA

April 8th 1958
The band chose a name today; 'The Beatles' I hate it. My suggestion of 'John and the lamewads' was outvoted unanimously, but I know for sure that we'll never make it big with a name like 'The Beatles' You mark my words.

November 1961
Signed my first autograph today! Shame the man looked like a gypsy so I had to sign it "You and your family are worthless, signed John"

July 24th, 1965
On tour. The pressure of constantly being on the road surrounded by stupid, dirty fans is getting to me. I spoke to Paul about it, but he told me to 'shut my pie hole' I hate Paul. He thinks he's so special, but he's nothing compared to me. He tried to persuade me I was going crazy through the stress today too, just because I took the precaution of wrapping myself in tin foil so I could protect myself in case any of the fans tried to use their gypsy magics on me.

August 14, 1965
Still on tour. I friggin hate going on tour with Ringo. He managed to block the toilet on the tour bus again. That's 23 consecutive days now. I don't know how he does it, he eats the same stuff as me. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I'm starting to think he's not human.

August 15, 1965
STILL On tour. Now I have almost conclusive proof that Ringo's some sort of zombie-shat monster, possibly sent by the gypsies. There is only one day left of the tour, and whatever his evil plans are, they'll happen tonight for sure.

August 16, 1965
I killed Ringo.

August 17, 1965
Tour is over. Am so relieved I don't have to talk to any of those plebs anymore and I can finally spend some time with someone I actually love and respect, Me. Alone in one of my houses. On a side note, Ringo is still alive, it turns out I killed a small plastercine model of Ringo that George made. I'm sure we'll all laugh about it one day.

March 4, 1966 3:01pm
Got in trouble for the press misquoting me in an interview when I was talking about Jesus. I would never say the band more widely followed than Jesus. All I said was I bet I have a bigger penis than him. Perfectly innocent, but they're trying to force me to apologise. I never will. John Lennon don't answer to anyone.

March 4, 1966 3:03pm
Apologised for all wrongdoing.

November 8, 1966
Met the weirdest, ugly Japanese bird today at some crappy art exhibition I got paid to go to. She's called Yakyak or something.

August 25, 1967-
Went to Wales with the rest of the band today to study meditation. The day started off when we were called into this big conference hall with a bunch of other people, who I could have sworn were gypsies. Anyway, the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi came on and introduced himself, and I innocently asked him "Any relation to the bear?" and the hall went silent. I assumed they were waiting for me to do my impression and storing up their laughter until then, so I said "you know… are you smarter than the average Maharishi?" but still nothing. When I got back to my room someone had packed my bags for me. I didn't want to stay anyway. Tossers.

July 12, 1968
Me and the beautiful Asian artist Yoko Ono (who's defiantly on for a shag) opened my first art exhibition today, simply entitled "The beautiful John Collection" I'm expecting BIG things to come from my skills as an artist.

July 13, 1968
What do art critics know anyway? Bastards.

November 05, 1969
Today me and Yoko started a tour of Europe to promote our message of peace. The day started off very badly indeed; we had run out of chocolate cake on the plane. I immediately ordered the sacking of the responsible person, and the three other people with the largest families to support on my staff to act as an example. The day got from bad to worse and as soon as we touched down in Stuttgart we were met by some members of the press who laughed at my yearning for peace, but I got my bodyguards to beat them up later after we'd gone. That'll show them.

December 09, 1969
Today I went down to the beat club in London to read some of my poetry to a select audience of gypsies and retards, I chose one of my best works 'I am better than you'

I am better than you
In every single way
You know that it's true
So don't bother to complain

Followed by the brilliant 'The fleebied doge'

There waes a doge
Who warse fleebied
That doge choked in the smoge
And died.

But something went wrong and they obviously didn't understand what the poems meant, so I had to pretend they were Ringo's and I was doing him a favour by reading them out.

December 12, 1969
Yoko decided that my poetry failed because my name has become stale. A man as creative as myself shouldn't have just one name for too long, so I've decided to pick another one out of the following:

Champagne Bombardier III - Pros: Sounds classy, Cons: possibly too bourgeoisies

Scruffy Mcduff - Pros: It nearly rhymes, could use it in a song Cons: possibly not
bourgeoisies enough

Snoop Dogg - Pros: None, Cons: Sounds a bit gay

Hmm, maybe I'll stick to John a bit longer.

January 2,1970
I wrote a song today:

Imagine there are no monkeys
It's easy if you try
I wonder if Yoko's fucking about.
I'm just a jealous guy

I'm going to show it to Paul to see if he can make any improvements.
UNRECORDED ERA

March 29, 1979
I wish Ringo would stop calling me. I've had my phone number changed 6 times now, but somehow he keeps getting it. He turns up at my house at all hours of the day and night. I don't even know how or why, he lives in a different continent to me for god's sake. Even when I bluntly told him I didn't like him and I didn't want to see him again, he thought I was joking, invited himself in, overflowed my toilet and left.

October 12, 1979
I can't take it anymore. Maybe if Ringo thought I was dead he'd stop following me about…

December 8, 1980

THE TIMES
JOHN LENNON FOUND DEAD

October 12, 1989
I have finally recruited all the original line up into my Beatles tribute band "The Beatless" And today I entered us into a talent contest. We came last. The judge even made a special footnote that I was "The least convincing John Lennon look alike he'd ever seen" and "the pseudo Ringo blocked up every toilet in the town hall" Life has finally reached a new low ebb. This will be my final entry as I have no reason left to write, or indeed breathe.

Nor do I.

The REAL ballad of John and Yoko.

Ficked pampled meet toobe
then it was only out, as the vile jiz irrupted in a volcanic spunk fountain
ejacutating convering her pompeii place in sticky ash
eeeeeeeh, scremed the dartee Beiotch
arrrrrrrrrr hee crighted
ande thare warse more
then, wit stength of a thoosand donkey, she was forced down for the fiest of the meat muppet
druwning haire
eye larves eyet
the enderd