Captive Ape

Nonfiction

Pornography, Friend of the Cock:

By Jeremiah

Pornography. From the time you sneak into your dad's sock drawer to the day you die, you are a slave to it. Oh no…don't think it. You don't think you'll alwayss be wanting it? Needing it…ha! Maybe long ago. Maybe before the invention of the printing press. But that was before there were regulations against prostitution. Modern Science has made a woman optional. You can have a woman delivered to your door weekly, you can talk to them on the phone, if you're too lazy to date, we have a magical thing called "The Internet." I don't know what you've been told about Weather Reports on the hour or how good it is to "Check your Email" or what not…but truth of the matter: One third of the internet is pornography. You can see women doing some of the most depraved things in the world in minutes with a phone line and a laptop. This is not good.

We like to think of pornography as a benign little vice that infects the weak willed…oh no, it's far worse than that. We're addicted. Left outside the bounds of wives or other people in the room, a man can quite easily masturbate his life away with a good internet connnection. With our parents and the news making us believe sex to be either at best: scary and furthermore awkward, where can we go? Tell me what's so bad about it? Well you don't have to because I already know.

For one thing, porn is too easily come by these days. I remember back when I was hitting puberty and the world was fresh and new, the quest for pornography is what got us through the days. It started with the naked girl in the rated R movie. Which grew to lowering your criteria on movies to how much nudity was in them. This was around the ages of eight to twelve. Then there was the playboy that you found in the garage or in your dads sock drawer. Parents out there, trust me, kids will find EVERYTHING. You can't hide what they want. When the playboy was introduced to us, a whole new world of excitement opened up. We would invite over our friends and charge admission to look at the blessed literature. By literature, I of course mean, full page spreads of air brushed beauties. Then later on there was the bag of porn found in the dumpster or in some secluded spot in your neighborhood. This contained things like Penthouse, Jugs, and Swank. And a whole NEW world of filth was opened up. Suddenly you were looking at full page spreads that not only revealed a womans body, but practically her insides too. Then the glorious day when your older friend manages to get his hands on a tape and you somehow "borrow" it. You have been dreaming abou this forever and you finally see it. Your stomach lurches, your zipper strains, your heart rate increases, and you practically blow it in your pants. Now mark my words, I don't suggest watching your first porn with people, because boy you'll be sorry. It's not like you can say, "I need to go to the bathroom." Bullshit. No one will believe that and they will all know what you are doing.

However, the next step after the porn tape, cause after all, this will only keep you interested for two to five years, is the illustrious search for the Perfect Porn. There is many arguments to what this might be. What I have discovered is, it's gotta be something new. It brings you back to the beginning. You still read magazines for the day they start to show penetration, but then they do and that gets old. So you watch Skinemax for the day they show something "more." And you try to find porn that will take your breath away. Thee problem is, there is bad porn out there. Very…very bad porn. You can be sitting there, enjoying yourself, watching a knockout couple having a heck of a time and BAM she shits in his face! You're left there, holding both your metaphoric and physical wang, wondering if you're truly seeing what you think you're seeing. You rewind…you turn the tape off…yes…that was a woman…shitting…on a mans face…huh…that was different. Um…ah. And you do one of two things, you throw the tape out so that no one can see…or you hide it, very, very well. And you don't tell anyone and you don't ever look at it again…but you don't throw it away. You never know when you might need it. You want to get rid of a girlfriend in a flash? Put that tape on top of your VCR while you're making dinner, she'll ask about it, and in a few brief minutes, she'll be out the door.

Peddlers of the elicit are no help. They try to provide surroundings sterile and accomodating, but trust me, very few men are going to feel comfortable here. Buying porn is like a quest. The "I'm buying it for a friend" schtick will last only so long before they're onto you. It's something you and the guys have to get drunk enough to do. Or, barring that, get one of your friends drunk enough to fuck livestock if you put it in front of him, and get that man to a video store! Either way. A problem I've been running into recenty is going to a kiosk. I look at the cover of something like "Barely Legal" with some beautiful young-looking vixen on the front in some provocative position and then I glance down to see something like "Machismo". I was looking at a naked high school teen one minute and a finely chiseled oiled up man the next. Now I feel both sleazy, and ugly. Thank you Kiosk guy! Who the hell buys from these people!? Not to mention, after you look at a mostly naked guy on one cover, it sort of puts you out of the mood to buy the one above…not good sales techniques.

Women don't seem to grasp the appeal for pornogrphy, to them it seems either a hobby, like fishing or assembling model cars, or a small vice, like smoking. What they don't realize is that they are in competition with this a-fore-mentioned vice. They are competing against a model with perky "C" cups who dances, fucks, and generaly pleases a man 24 hrs a day, then leaves. This woman enters the house, never asks for anything, fucks some guy, but you know if she met you, she'd love you. A mans mind can so be entranced with the notion that he seems to know this woman. Much like the way some look to Harrison Ford and say "Man, I'd like to have a cup of coffee with that guy." So see's the porn fanatic his "Harem". Much like kings of old I have a "Harem". You should see them. Once in a while Pamela Anderson shows me her bosom. Many a night I "Rubbed the little Sultan" to her perky bosum I tell you. I have Nicki St. Giles, Kobe Tai, Jena Jameson, Tracy Lords, Chasey Lane, Debby Gibson, Tory Wigel and even Marilyn Monroe. They love me. They never say "No". They never make me feel inadequate. They never ask for more than a couple dollars and a few minutes of my time. And women wonder what the appeal of porn is. The appeal with porn? What's the appeal with dating? For the price of a nice meal and a movie you could get four tapes! Countless magazines. A whore if it comes to that! Does that make you a loser who has to pay to get fucked? No! That makes you cost effective!

And that's why we love it. Say what you will of us. But we are not freaks, we are not "scary". We are lonely men in love with a woman at her best. The beauty of the female brought to us on shiny sheets of magazine paper, beamed to us through light and sound, and nestled into the neat crevices of a well turned story. This is our love. Our salvation in a world of females too confused with themselves to care if we sit in a corner and share a moment with a beautiful, make believe lover.