The Night the All-Star Ninjas Attacked
By Jeremiah
Act 1:
Supply and Demand
Scene 1:
killing time and/or your future(we enter the scene with two teenagers sitting around, one sucking the last of the chips from an upturned bag, the other trimming his toenails with a butter knife. Both are intent on their pursuits and don't really care about the real world for now, Zak stops digging out the chip dust after a while and speaks to Jeremiah)
Zak:
So...what are we going to do now.
Jeremiah:(looking up from his toenails, then returning to them with a vengeance.):
...not much to do.Zak:
We could work on the project we're supposed to be doing I supposeJeremiah:(looking up from his toenails)
Zak...Zak:
Yes?Jeremiah:
Do either of us know anything about the industrial revolution?Zak:
er...well actually, the industrial revolution was a direct result of technological advances of the time, with the advent of interchangeable machinery, a new smelting process for steel and the invention of the now revered cotton gin the face of the pre-civil war agrian society was about to change drastically, but perhaps the change was felt nowhere so greatly as on capital hill, where tensions were-Jeremiah:
ZAK!!Zak:
...er...yes?Jeremiah:
What the hell are you rambling about? You're overlooking the fundamental principals of skilled labor making an uneducated work force virtually incapable of competition, not to mention the fact that you are focusing on a sheerly American societal standpoint. scholars generally agree that the Industrial Revolution began in Great Britain and then spread to France, Belgium, Germany, and the United States about the middle of the 19th century; in Sweden and Japan toward the end of the century; in Russia and Canada just after the turn of the 20th century; and in parts of Latin America, the Middle East, Central and southern Asia, and Africa about or after the middle of the 20th century....what the hell Zak, can't you look at anything globally, are you so static in your views? (Jeremiah returns to trimming his toenails with the butter knife)Zak:
Shut up Jeremiah! That made no sense at all! Why are we here, isn't there something to do in this lousy town?! Besides homework?Jeremiah:
Like?Zak:
The movies?Jeremiah:
We've seen everything there and out of seven movies you liked none of them, and I didn't appreciate you complaining through all of them.Zak:
Well they were all stupid.Jeremiah:
You laughed at the one about the Jewish girl in the concentration camp Zak.Zak:
Admit it, that part was funny, with the hat...and the rifle.Jeremiah(chuckling, then getting angry):
No Zak!! You can't laugh at the holocaust, it's just wrong!...And then there was the love story that you couldn't stop groaning about. And whining and asking if we could leave, we sounded like a married couple Zak, people were looking at us like freaks.Zak:
All right, movies are out...the mall?Jeremiah:
We're broke Zak, and the only thing worse than going to a small rural mall is going to a small rural mall broke.Zak:
O.K....we could rent some movies?Jeremiah:
I hate the movies you pick out, you hate the ones I pick out.Zak:
All you rent is hard-core 70's porn and action flicks with about as much plot and excitement as a cereal box...I could play a CD of mine for you.Jeremiah:
And let you give me a play by play of the entire piece along with the joy of hearing you sing along?...oh gosh....that sounds like fun...Oh wait!! I know, I could just rend my own eyes from out of their sockets and pour peroxide in my cavernous, bloodied ocular cavities!!!!Zak:
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit you know.Jeremiah:
Says you.(exceedingly long pause)
Jeremiah:
Zak...I hate to be the one to suggest this...but I think we need Jobs.Zak:
you know how I abhor working for anything!Jeremiah:
I know Zak...but it'd at least give us something different to complain about!!Zak:
I hate working Jeremiah, and you know it.Jeremiah:
Of course I know it, I hate it as well, but I like money, and I like not being bored, so what the hell huh?Zak:
I have no skills that are paid for around here, besides I don't need a job, I'm going to make plenty of money.Jeremiah:
And you plan on doing this how?Zak:
Tut tut my boy, I plan on writing the great American novel.Jeremiah:
...I see...you know you're full of shit right? I mean you know this right? You're not honestly this delusional?Zak:
Oh you'll see...you'll all see (maniacal laughter, thunder crash, open chord, Jeremiah looks frustrated)Jeremiah:
Look Zak, let's just go see what we can get O.K.? It will at least give us something to do for the day.Zak:
...oh, if I must...but don't expect me to like it.Jeremiah:
I wouldn't dream.
Scene 2:
the car(the scene is a car...if you didn't see that one coming a mile away.)
Jeremiah:
So, where to?Zak:
Let's get something to eat.Jeremiah:
We just ate.Zak:
I'm hungry.Jeremiah:
You're swine.Zak:
Jeremiah my boy, I can't think on anything but a horribly bloated stomach, so just pull in there and we'll get some fatty food and be on our way.Jeremiah:
All right all right, but this is the last of our money, so we better get serious about this job thing. And we're just driving through.Zak:
Right.(car pulls up to voice box thingie that Jeremiah is about to speak into.)
Voice:
Welcome to burger hut how may I...oh god who am I kidding?Jeremiah:
Pardon me?Voice:
I hate my life.Jeremiah:
um...that's too bad, we'd like a-Voice:
Who cares what you'd like?Jeremiah:
Did we come at a bad time?Voice:
as if there is ever a good time in this hellish thing that is my life, do you know how old I am?Jeremiah:
Do I care?Voice:
thirty...I am thirty years old...I've spent the better part of my life in this damned place...I hate it...all I do is listen to people tell me what they want and do they ever once ask me if I want something? No, because you're all bastards, the lot of you.Zak:
I resent that.Jeremiah:
Look I can see that we've come at a bad time so we'll just go.Voice:
Oh yes, just run off why don't you? Leave me here to my mind numbing menial tasks whilst you roam about foot loose and fancy free, in the prime of your life.2nd voice:
What are you talking to those customers about?voice:
fuck you!! I've worked under you for three long damned years, and I'm old enough to be your father so just shut the hell up!! I'll kill you I'll kill you all!!!!!!!Voices:
He's got a gun!!
Run!!!!!
(a couple people run out in front of the car.)2nd voice:
Activate the shock collar!! The shock collar!!!Voice:
Arghhhh!!!!!2nd voice:
sedate him sedate him!!!!!(moment of silence, while we hear sounds of whimpering)
2nd voice:
We at Burger Hut would like to apologize for that, and would like to offer you a free meal in exchange for legal verification that you didn't hear a word of that.(Jeremiah looks over to Zak, they shrug)
Jeremiah:
O.K. thanks, we'll have two-Zak:
Twenty.Jeremiah:
er...twenty triple bacon cheese burgers, thirty or so fries-voice:
You'll never keep me here!!!3rd voice:
He's headed for the deep fat friers!!!!voice:
into your arms I commend my soul!!(sounds of frying and screaming)
2nd voice:
Get his head out of that frier!!!(smoke roils from offstage, Zak and Jeremiah, wrinkle their noses)
Jeremiah:
on second thought, hold the fries...we'll just have thirty fruit pies, two diet sodas and lots of salt.2nd voice:
You also didn't hear that by the way.Jeremiah:
Still free?2nd voice:
Yes, please pull ahead to the first window.Zak:
this must be our lucky day.Scene 3:
The Golgatha
(we enter the scene with Jeremiah being crucified by a couple of orange clad gentlemen, he is hoisted up and after a time he speaks)Jeremiah:
A lesser man might ask why he is being crucified...a lesser man might plead with you god....I am no such man, you'll never get a tear out of me you bastard!! It's divine irony!! That's what it's all about dramatic divine ironic intervention.(Zak enters from the side looking wearily around.)
Jeremiah:
ZAK!!Zak:
shhhhhh!Jeremiah:(quieter)
Get me down from here!Zak:
....eh...look Jeremiah...I know this sounds crazy...but I think I'm a believer now.Jeremiah:
WHAt!!!!!?!?!?!?!Zak:
shhh!!!!!Jeremiah:
How can you say that!?!?Zak:
well...what you say really makes sense and well....I dunno...look I'm really sorry...but I can't help you.Jeremiah:(hurt)
But...but...you bastard.Zak:(obviously hurt)
I'm sorry.Scene 4:
An explanation.
(the scene is low set, an old man enters from the side and walks to center stage where a spotlight awaits him)Old Man:
A lot of you may be confused by that last scene...a lot of you might look at it and think, how could things have gone so bad that a best friend wouldn't help another off of a cross. Well, there's a story behind that. And it has to do with a lot of things. Love, but then isn't that what everything is about in one way or another?...but no...I withdraw that statement (serious) there are many things that don't have a bit to do with love...betrayal...murder...tragedy without love is what I'm talking about. The kind of poetic tragedy that causes people to look at the world and hate the way it looks. The kind of tragedy that makes a man wish he weren't born a man...(tragically)...oh why was I born a man?....I wanted to have babies!! And breasts, and wear slinky things and make young men lust after me!!!!...(suddenly realizing what he's just said)...er...um....(ahem)...er....anyway...about the crucifixion...er....well life is a lot like a crucifixion in that...ah...er...oh to hell with it I'm getting a sex change!(the old man stomps off stage and the spotlight fades)Scene 4:
Elsa and the Man at the train station(we enter the scene at a bus stop, an old woman sits beside a man wearing nothing but a fez and shoes with sock suspender while reading a newspaper)
Elsa:(a thick Scandinavian accent)
oh this bus is so always late.Man:(speaking with a thick York accent and looking at the sky)
Yes...it seems that way...nothing like back home.Elsa:
Oh forgive me, I haven't introduced my self properly, my names Elsa Larson.Man:(shaking an offered hand)
Nice to meet you, the playwright denotes that I am not important enough to have a name, so you may refer to me simply as the man.Elsa:
oh...well isn't that nice? Mr. Man, I once had neighbors named man!Man:
really?Elsa:
oh yes, they had a lovely dog. It was a great Dane! Oh my but that's a large dog! Have you ever seen a great Dane?Man:
In some odd twist off fate, yes. I do in fact own one of, if not the, largest Great Dane farms in the world.Elsa:
Oh, well what a coincidence. I loved that dog, it was named Bambi and was one of the most gentle things you've ever seen. It could walk right up to you and lick you, right on the nose without jumping.Man:
So can I.Elsa:
Of course, it did go a bit rabid...oh dear but that was awful, it bit my late husband.Man:
he probably deserved it.Elsa:
dear Henry, bless his heart, unfortunately there was some confusion and the animal control officer shot my husband and sent his head in to be tested and they administered a series of shots to the dog. But you know, these things happen:Man:
they certainly do.Elsa:
Oh but I carry on, here I gab, and I still don't know a lick about you.Man:
no I suppose you don't.Elsa:
Well where are you from?Man:
Around here actually.Elsa:
Oh, and you've lived here all your life?Man:
Yes, I have.Elsa:
So do you have relatives around here;Man:
only you mother.Elsa:(suddenly sounding like a forty year old smoker, the accent dropped and now she speaks in a deep breathy voice)
Why do you do this to me.Man:
Because you love it dirt baby.Elsa:
Mount me like a well oiled horse you stud!(there is a knock, enter Jeremiah)
Jeremiah:
Hi mom I was justoh GOD!!!!!!(the couple looks put out.)
Elsa:
you couldn't have knocked (lighting a cigarette) what do you want?Jeremiah:
I want you to quit making out in costume on the bench in the living room...it's weird.Man:(dropping the accent.)
when you start paying the bills you can tell us what to do.Jeremiah:
It may be sooner than you think, I got a job.Man and Elsa:
Really ..oh good. where?...etc. etc.Jeremiah:(shooshing them):
Well, it went something like this;(He crosses stage to a preset scene of a man behind a desk looking at Jeremiah and Zak)
Man behind desk:
And so after the pelvic exams have come through with such amazing results, I've decided to hire you both, you start tomorrow.(Jeremiah returns to the bench scene)
Jeremiah:
And the rest is history.(Zak enters the scene, laughs maniacally and lightning crashes as the scene ends)
Scene 5:
P.L.O.T. N.A.Z.I.'s
(enter Plot Nazi in orange outfit)Plot Nazi :
Now, some of you may be feeling some concerns as to wheter or not this play is in fact going someplace or not. In absurdist theater this kind of non-linear crap can pass, but you as a paying audience want plot. You want a good story, perhaps a couple dance numbers, a boy falling in love with a girl etc.etc. You want a story that follows a formula. You want it and we're here to ensure that you get it. (drop down of overhead with "P.L.O.T. N.A.Z.I." on it.) We of the Political Leauge for Organization in Theater and Non Absurdist Zealot Institute or P.L.O.T. N.A.Z.I.'s as we've come to be known, are here to ensure that this performance will climax and decend right where you want it. We realize that the play hasn't gone well thus far, but never fear, we're on the case.
Scene 6:
a debriefing(enter manager Dr. Ice, he is a tall man wearing goggles and a cowboy hat, a plot Nazi enters the scene and after staring at the Dr. long enough, he relinquishes his goggles and cowboy hat. The nazi nods and leaves.)
Dr. Ice:
Hello. My name is Dr. Ice. You may address me as Doctor or Dr. Ice. I am here to give you training in the arts of working here at one of the greatest department stores in the known world. I realize that some of you are scared. We all were at some time or another. I am here to asure you of two things. 1. We don't care about you. and 2. a trained chicken could do your job. I am not speaking figuratively. We have here with us Mr. Cluckles number 164. (Dr. removes a chicken in a plastic box.) He has been classicaly conditioned to do the exact same work that you are about to do, the only thing that Mr. Cluckles number 164 cannot do is heavy lifting and our research and development team are close enough now to ensure that in a year or two the whole of the american workforce will be rendered obsolete by a mass of poultry. The only reason then that we are hiring you is because demographics show that most customers prefer interacting with humans in comparison to chickens, except in the deep south where you won't find one of our stores that isn't completely managed by trained chickens. They work for seed, they don't need rest, they're always polite, and if a customer becomes sufficiently perturbed at one, we can always kill it and give them a complementary bucket of chicken as fair compensation for their ill fortune. Not that we expect any less from you. If you make mistakes you will be killed and eaten. Understand then that I AM THE LAW!! YOU ARE NOT A PERSON ANY LONGER!!!...if you'll follow Nancy she will direct you to the tellers where you will learn to check out customers. Thank you and God bless.Scene 7:
A good wholesome scene about fish and love.(we enter the sceen with Jeremiah doing stock work, Zak walks up and starts doing stock work beside him, they both wear baloon animals on their heads, a nazi enters, has a brief exchange with Jeremiah, looks embarassed and shuffles off mutering apologies.)
Zak:
Hey.Jeremiah:
Hiya.Zak:
So...I hate work.Jeremiah:
Yes.Zak:
How long o we have to wear these stupid baloons on our heads.Jeremiah:
Until we're broken Zak.Zak.
I see.(long pause) Jeremiah?Jeremiah:
Hm?Zak:
Do you find it degrading that we have a job that can be done just as well or better by trained poultry?Jeremiah:
Zak, is there any job you can think of that can't be done as good or better by trained poultry?Zak:
er...ah...writing?Jeremiah:
Look at the best sellers list Zak, five of the ten are writen by chickens, well "A Return to Kublackan" was actualy writen by a cornish game hen, but in general trained fowl are taking over the proffetional community.Zak.
True.(enter Nazi)
Nazi:
Allright, what was that?Jeremiah:
Sorry.Nazi:
Back on track.Zak:
Yes sir. (long Pause)
So Jeremiah, hows Emily?Jeremiah:
Oh...fine.Zak:
Has she slept around on you yet?Jeremiah:
You have no faith in the human ability to change do you?Zak:
Did I say she was human?Jeremiah:
Touche...well...I don't think so. She keeps saying that she loves me and that she'd never do anything to hurt me.Zak:
Jeremiah, she's evil, everyone seems to see it but you.Jeremiah:
I don't think she'd evil...just...trying her best to make her way in the world.Zak:
More like trying her best to make out with the world, one person at a time.Jeremiah:
But you don't know how she acts towards me Zak.
(Jeremiah pulls oua sword, the Nazi throws a sword out for Zak and dialouge continues to be spoken over a duel)Zak:
Allright Jeremiah, just remmember that I call rights for rubbing it in your face first.Jeremiah:
You're a true friend Zak.Zak:
Yes...aren't I though (Pause in fighting, lightning crash, open chord, Zak laughs maniacly resume fight.)Jeremiah:
Why aren't you seeing anyone Zak?Zak:
Because real people are but a banal thing in comparison with the conjurings of the mind.Jeremiah:
Uh huh.Zak:
You see Jeremiah, the real world can't hold a candle to my hopes for love and life Jeremiah, there's no romance anymore, just sex and falsity. There are no great loves, only shallow rememberances of a time gone by when two could share more thatn the simple pleasures of life together and call it Love.Jeremiah:
But Zak, you're no better. Life may not be as glamourous as your dreams, but it's at least real.
Zak:
That's where you're wrong my dear boy, my love is as close as yours, just as tragic, just as deep. Love is an emotion that, unrequited by the real world is just as passionat as any seedy embrace you may find apealing.Jeremiah:
You desperatly need to see a nipple real close up.
(end to sword fight)
...let's have a dance number(music starts swords are thrown off stage and there is a dance number where at some point the Nazi has a guitar solo in)
Scene 8:
A scene where Jeremiah Gets PromotedScene 9:
Jeremiah of the Loss Control Team(dark room, projection screen in background, enter agent in orange uniform)
Number 4:
Hello and welcome to loss control. My name is number 5 and I will be your instructor. I need a volunteer, yes, you (pointing) stand up....now...steal that box of tampons...go on take it.(there is a table with a box of tampons on it that number 4 gestures towards, the person picks it up and Number 4 pulls out a gun and shoots him)
Number 4:
Any questions?Person:
er...isn't that illegal?(number 4 shoots him)
Number 4:
Any more questions?Person 2:
ah...can we do that?(number four shoots him.)
Number 4:
Any more?Person 3:
er...so we aren't supposed to ask questions then?(number 4 shoots him as well)
Person 4:
was that a no?(number 4 pauses, considers and then shoots him)
Person 5:
Was that?(Number 4 shoots him as well, and is then followed by a long...long pause)
Number 4:
Now then, are there any questions?Person 6:
Yes, I was womdering-(number 4 shoots him, yet another long pause)
Number 4:
...anyone left?Person 7:
Yes sir.(number four shoots him)
Number 4:
Now then, is anyone left?(long pause) Ah good....now is there really anyone left?Person 8:
Yes sir.(number four shoots him)
Number 4: (lowering his gun)
Now then, if you've made it this far, you're in.Person 9:
Well that's a relief.(Number 4 shoots him)
Number 4:
Well, this gun only has a nine round clip, so whoever's left-Person 10:
Me sir.(number four shoots him)
Number 4:
should know that I always keep a bullet in the chamber.(number four removes his clip and begins to put in a fresah one, Jeremiah bolts for the door)
Number 4:
Stop.(Jeremiah stops and starts making good with God, number 4 looks around)
Number 4:
you the last one?Jeremiah:
...Number 4:(putting his gun away)
Good job kid, you're in.(Jeremiah faints)
Scene 10:
The Bust(we enter the sceen in blackness when we hear Jeremiah shout)
Jeremiah:
We know your in there, come out with the merchandise and no one will get hurt!(gun shots, lights up with Jeremiah dresses in a orange suit crouched behind a car, with a pistol in hand, Zak sits beside him with a shotgun)
Zak:
How did I ever let you talk me into coming along with you on a bust?Jeremiah:
You know you love this.(a few shots towards the car, Jeremiah jumps up and shoots back)
Zak:
Oh dear yes, I love this, we are going to die.Jeremiah:
We're not going to die.(Jeremiah shots back a couple times)
Zak:
Why are we here anyway?Jeremiah:
Those shmucks stole a box of tampons.Zak:
So what it's a box of tampons, we have more tampons, I'll pay for the damned tampons, I just don't want to die whilst trying t retrieve a box of tampons.Jeremiah:(returning a volley of fire)
It's the principal Zak.
Zak:
What principal?Jeremiah:
It all starts with tampons Zak, and then one man realizes that he can get away with stealing and the next thing you know, our children are being held hostage by terrorists with nuclear weapons.Zak:
That's a rather vast moral leap is it not?Jeremiah:
Not really Zak, you'd learn all about it if you'd just become a loss control person.Zak:
But I like behind the counter work, you don't get into gun battles as often.Jeremiah:
Ugh, but you have to deal with idiots Zak, complete idiots.Zak:
Unarmed idiots Jeremiah, unarmed idiots.(a man smoking a cigar and wearing a black suit crosses and stands in front of Jeremiah and Zak.)
Zak:
er...sir, we are engaged ina gun battle here, so if you'd move along.Jeremiah:
It'd really be a lot safer.Death:
Oh yes, I imangine.(long pause, Jeremiah and Zak look at death in an unconfortable silence)
Death:
eh?Jeremiah:
Yes?Death:
Which one of you are Jeremiah?Jeremiah:
Eh...whose asking?Zak:
Sir, would you like to sit down behind this large bullet proof obstruction with us?Death:
EH? Oh don't mind if I do.(death sits down behind the car)
Jeremiah:
So...er...who's looking for Jeremiah?Death:
Hm? Oh, I have buisness with the gentleman.Zak:
...er...like?Death:
Well are either of you him?Zak:
Did he win money or something?Death:
Er...no...not at all...um are either of you Zak as well?Jeremiah:
I'm awfuly curious as to why you'd be looking for them.Death:
...well...you two can keep a secret can't you?Zak:
Oh sure.Jeremiah:
yea.Death:
...well...let's just say that they owe me something.Jeremiah:
...er...I see.Zak:
What was your name?Death:
Look, I'm in a bit of a rush, so if you are them you could help me imensly.Jeremiah:
Ah...eh...um...they're in the car
(pointing across the way to the people shooting at them)Death:
Ah, thank you, (standing), have a nice day.(lots of gunfire which comes abruptly to an end)
Jeremiah:
that was odd.Zak:
Yes...did you know him?Jeremiah:
No...you?Zak:
No.(long pause)
Jeremiah:
Sounds like they're out of ammo.Zak:
yea.Scene 11:
Death and TamponsNumber 4:
Well Jeremiah, my congragulaions on your recent termination of a pair of tampon shoplifters. It is my great pleasure to anounce that you are to be promoted to rank of Lord High Channcelor of France.Jeremiah:
eh...excuse me?Number 4:
Problem?(fingering his jacket)Jeremiah:(quickly)
No! No, Lord High Channcelor of France..eh..great, I've always loved France.Number 4:
I understand that your handling of the situation was brilliant. There were no visible marks or finger prints on the victims. There was a man in the report who to our benifit disapeared without a trace afterwards, and most importantly, you recovered the tampons. Why hesitation?Jeremiah:
eh...well...I don't see how you get promoted to an international diplomatic possition working in a regional retail store.Number 4:
You shouldn't look a gift horse in the crotch.Jeremiah:
eh...alright, where's a nazi?(enter plot nazi)
NAZI
Ya volt?Jeremiah:
I need some clarity here.NAZI:
ah.(nazi removes a gun and shoots number 4 before he can get to his gun)
Nazi: (pointing gun at Jeremiah)
Better?Jeremiah:
eh...yea...I'm going home.Scene 12:
A bit of sense in a cerazy mixed up world.(enter scene with Jeremiah in the arms of Emily, both lie on a couch, cuddling etc.)
Jeremiah:
I dunno sometimes Emily, nothing makes sense anymore.Emily:
What do you mean?Jeremiah:
Idunno...just everything, ever since I got this job everything is just so surreal...I can't put a pin on it. Zak seems to be handling it well-(Zak has a spotlight fall on him, he looks up very slowly and deliberatly and beginf to laugh maniacly as lightning crashes and we hear an open chord.)
Jeremiah:
But I just feel like everything is disjointed, like there's something wrong and I haven't heard about it yet.Emily:(rising)
Jeremiah...we need to talk.Jeremiah:
What's wrong?Emily:
...look...I love you a lot.Jeremiah:
and I love you too...so what's wrong?Emily:
...you deserve better.Jeremiah:
What are you talking about.Emily:
Look Jeremiah, I can't be held down at this point in my life, i need my freedom, I need to be able to do all the things in my life that I want o do without worrying about other people.Jeremiah:
...eh...allright, I understand, how can I help?Emily:
You could take this well.Jeremiah:
What well?Emily:(looking uncomfortable)
I havn't been completely faithfull.Jeremiah:
...I see.Emily:
I love you and care about you and that's why I can't keep it from you any longer.Jeremiah:
Why how long has it been?Emily:
Well...we've been seeing each other for six months or so right?Jeremiah:
Yes?Emily:
Well...I was faithfull right up until around the second day.Jeremiah:
I see.Emily:
But I kinda felt bad about it.Jeremiah:
I see.Emily:
And I just can't stand the guilt Jeremiah, I have to be free.Jeremiah:
You couldn't have told me that six months ago?Emily:
A part of me dreams to be with you Jeremiah, but it just can't happen.Jeremiah:
And you still claim to love me?Emily:
More than anything.Jeremiah:
Except yourself.Emily:(seeming hurt)
Don't take this out on me Jeremiah, I can't change who I am.Jeremiah:
You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me.Emily:
And at the time I did.Jeremiah:
...eh...guh...hee...brak.Emily:
Look, I love you, and would love to keep seeing you, but I need my space.Jeremiah:
So you want all of my heart without any obligation?Emily:
You don't understand.Jeremiah:
Obviously not...so who was he.Emily:
...you don't want to hear.Jeremiah:
I think I deserve to hear.Emily:
...well...it was more of "they" than he...well there was Tommi and Calleb and Amber and Megan and Jesse and...(fade out fade in)
...and John, and the chearleading team; male and female..and your pastor.
Jeremiah:
Jim Vadis?Emily:
...and Karem Moberg...oh....I guess that was both your pastors.Jeremiah:
....I need some air.Emily:
so, can we still date?(blackout.)
Scene 13:
The Aftershock and other cliche sayings.(Scene: a local cafe filled with various people of every age and sex)
Zak:
I'm sorry.Jeremiah:
That's O.K., you're one of the very few people that didn't sleep with her.Zak:
True...but it wasn't all that many was it?Jeremiah:
Yes, it was.Zak:
Oh come on, it can't be all that bad.Jeremiah:(stands up)
Excuse me, but please raise your hand if you have not slept with my ex-girlfriend.(Zak raises his hand the rest of the cafe looks around sheepishly, an old man in the back raises his hand, then considers)
Old Man:
Oh wait, Emily?Jeremiah:
Yes.(the old man lowers his hand and looks away shamefacedly.)
Jeremiah:
Anyone?(general din of "Sorrys" and embarased mutterings)
Some guy:
It didn't mean anything.Jeremiah:
Ah good then thanks.(Jeremiah looks at Zak)
see.Zak:
Well...Jeremiah....I'm not going to be petty enough to tell you "I told you so" in your time of pain.
Jeremiah:
Thank you Zak.Zak:
...so I hired this man to do a signing tellegram instead.(man in white suit pops up and starts to sing.)
Man:
Well your girlfriend is a slut and she left you high and dry.
But that's a piss poor reason to sit around and cry.
She stole your heart as she whispered to you "I love you" in your bed,
So now your only recourse is to shoot yourself in the head!(Zak pays the man and he leaves.)
Jeremiah:
eh...thanks Zak.Zak:
No problem, I wrote the peice myself.Jeremiah:
I assumed so.Zak:
So, what are you going to do now?Jeremiah:
Well...I thought I'd-Zak:
sorry I've got to go.Jeremiah:
er...go?Zak:
Yup, going to New York.Jeremiah:
New York...really?Zak:
Yup.Jeremiah:
eh...for how long?Zak:
The rest of my life.Jeremiah:
What?Zak:
Well my parents are moving, and I'm going with.Jeremiah:
Well, are you going to visit?Zak:
Not planning on it.Jeremiah:
I'm your best friend and you're just leaving and not coming back.Zak:
Sorry.Jeremiah:
er...bye then.Zak:
Later.(long shot of Jeremiah sitting alone taking a sip of coffee and looking pitiful.)
Scene 14:
Getting Drunk(opening, interior party room w/porch, enter Phil)
Phil:
It was a long night. A long, dangerous, funny...and altogether odd night. Alow me to introduce myself, my name is Phil, I am one of Jeremiah's closest friends. All through high school we were tight, and after people started leaving this town like rts desereting a ship, we were left together to console and support one another. I'm here to tell you about the night Jeremiah got drunk. Jeremiah had been having a bad summer, and although he is not normally a stupid man, he occationaly trys his best to destroy himself. We're going to have two perspectives with this night, one from the point of view of Jeremiah and one as it actually happened.(Lights up on party scene, three guys Tron, Nick and Keith, and three girls, christiana, beth and Gywenith, all sit around a beer in hand, talking about nothing very important)
Tron:
I was so wasted, I took acid and shrooms and wow, it was a week before I could stop seeing the spiders.Nick:
That's nothing man, one time, I chased down speed with a six pack and the entire night I heard cop sirens.Keith:
uuuuuuuuuuuuh.Tron:
You ever do heroin?Nick:
um...no.Tron:
Oh, it's great, I smoke brown sugar right afterwards and it's fucking awesome.Nick:
cool.(enter Jeremiah and Phil)
Jeremiah:(depressed)
Good evening.Everyone:
Hi Jere, yo etc.etc.Beth:
You just get done with your radio show?Phil:
Yea, we got a call from a group of girls Jeremiah and I were going to go meet them.Jeremiah:(aside)
Hello, I'm stupid.
(to Phil) Phil, I'm getting drunk tonight.Phil:
You don't think that's a bit stupid?Jeremiah:
You think it matters in the grand scheme of things?Phil:
I would argue, but you have that mad glint in your eyes, allright, I'm going to go get my car then, who's driving me?Gwenyth:(jumping up)
I'll go.Phil:
Allright, I'll hurry back.(exit Phil and Gwenyth)
Tron:
So Jeremiah, you want a beer?Jeremiah:
Eh...no...I'm going for something stronger.Tron:
Vodka's in the kitchen.(exit Jeremiah)
Nick:
What's up with him?Beth:
He's had a bad summer.Crystina:
Havn't we all.Beth:
yes.(Enter Jeremiah with a full water glass of a clear liquid)
Jeremiah:
Is this a lot?(everyone pauses for a while and then chucles)
Tron:
How much is that?(Jeremiah drinks half the glass)
Jeremiah:(considering the drink)
around half the bottle.(spoken while Jeremiah finishes the glass):
Nick:
Oh my god.Cristina:
Is he nuts?Beth:
You're going to get alchohol poisioning.(Jeremiah finishes the last swallow of the drink, looks at the empty glass and considers)
Tron: (Leaving the room and returning)
You nearly drank half the bottle in two gulps.Jeremiah:
How long do I have before it hits?Tron:
Do you drink a lot?Jeremiah:
This would be my first drink.Tron:
Well you picked a shitload to start with my friend. You're going to puke.Jeremiah:
will I be consious for it?Tron:
no, probably not.Jeremiah:
Good then.Tron:(gives a big hug)
You're my new favorite drinking buddy.Jeremiah:(walks outside alone and sits in a spotlight.)
I'm in trouble.(Phil and Gwenyth return)
Phil:
Hi guys, what's up.Cristina:
He's gonna die.Phil:
What?Beth:
Jeremiah just drank half a bottle of 70 proof vodka.Phil:
...that's a lot isn't it?Nick:
Has he eaten?Phil:
Yea.Nick:
Good, we should get him to eat more, or he is going to die.Phil:
Shit.
(walks out to where Jeremiah has been sitting alone and sits by him, after a long pause)
...why'd you do that?Jeremiah:
I want to try being drunk.Phil:
You don't like moderation do you?Jeremiah:
No.Phil:
You're going to trow up you know.Jeremiah:
I'm hoping I won't remember it.(Gwenyth comes out and pats Jeremiah on the head.)
Gwen:
You drank too much.Jeremiah:
no turning back now.Gwen:
You're going to throw up.Jeremiah:
So I'm told.(gwen leaves back to the house which is now obscured by darkness)
Phil:
I'm goin got go get you some food.Jeremiah:
I don't want to eat.Phil:
you should eat.Jeremiah:
It's just going to be leaving anyway.
(Phil leaves shaking his head, Jeremiah sits alone looking at the sky until Beth comes out, and sits by him.)
Beth:
That was really dumn.Jeremiah:
I'm starting to feel light headed.Beth:
You're buzzing.Jeremiah:
...this is going to be painfull isn't it?Beth:
You probably won't remmember it anyway.Jeremiah: (starting to lose control of his motion)
True...true...true.(Gwen and Phil return with a glass of water)
Phil: (gingerly placing the water in Jeremiah's hand)
Here's some water Jeremiah.Jeremiah:(having considerable trouble moving his head and sluring his speak)
Thank you a great deal Phil...I'm sorry I had to do this to you guys...I seem to be having trouble moving my arms.(Jeremiah drinks, but after a few swallows, dribbles over himself)Beth:
You're tippsy, going on drunk.Jeremiah:(obviouslt straining for words)
You know...it's good...to have friends around who know these things...I feel very licky to have friends like you...I appear to be losing diction severely...and I find it very funny (Jeremiah laughs, not jovialy, but resinedly)Gwen:
Try walking Jeremiah.(Jeremiah gets to his feet with difficulty and trys taking a few steps, but nearly falls and is caught by Gwen)
Jeremiah:
Thank's Emily (Gwen looks aquard then slowly it dawns on Jeremiah)...you're not Emily are you?Gwen:
No Jeremiah.Jeremiah:
Sorry Gwenyth...Gwenyth...right.(Jeremiah sits again)
Jeremiah:
This is where I black out isn't it?
(the scene ends with a low pitched buzzing replacing the light.)Scene 15:
Coffee and Penance(the scene is a coffee shop, Jeremiah is face down at a table when we enter, Phil sits across from him, looking worried, after a long pause)
Jeremiah:
I did some unruly things last night didn't I?Phil:
Yes. What do you remember.Jeremiah:
I remember vomiting a great deal, a lot of pain, and Keiths dog eating my vomit.Phil:
You sang.Jeremiah:
Did I?Phil:
Yes.Jeremiah:
...did I sing well?Phil:
...not really.Jeremiah:
Oh dear.Phil:
It was Guys and Dolls.Jeremiah:
Luck be a lady?Phil:
No, a medely that included my time of day and the main theme.Jeremiah:
But not Luck be a Lady?Phil:
No.Jeremiah:
...odd...that was my favorite song.Phil:
Do you remmember anything else about last night?Jeremiah:
Zak was there.Phil:
No he wasn't.Jeremiah:
...perhaps I dreampt it.Phil:
Odds are...are you going to work tonight?Jeremiah:
No.Phil:
(nodding) probably a good idea.
Ninja Throwing Stars! - Now you can throw stars like a ninja would...if he were to throw stars....
They look cool though.